My bad habits AREN'T my title.

So, I haven't posted a blog in about three months.  A possible reason is that I'm working two full time jobs while I'm trying to get back into college.  Truthfully, I've thought about not going back, but I know that I'll be totally miserable if I don't go back and get my certificates and my degrees.  But, enough about that.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not good enough for everything.  Like there's always going to be someone better than me at everything.  Everything that's important, at least.  Let's take my favorite job, for example.  I run lights for a theater in my hometown.  Don is much better than me at running them.  He's had more experience.  I can't even compare to Casey when it comes to sound.  He blows even Don out of the water.  When Casey and I hang out, he teaches me about sound, but I fear that I'm not getting good fast enough.  It's taking me far too long.  And I really don't know why.  I thought that I would be good at something like this, but he's so ridiculously better.  Sometimes, it hurts.

Instruments as well.  Maybe that's just because I quit playing so long ago.....maybe I should start up again.  Like today.  I know that it will take a long time to get back to my former glory with the guitar and bass, but maybe it's worth it.  I also want to learn the drums and keys, and to sing if that's ever going to be possible.  Casey just says that I need more time to truely learn how to listen.  You have to feel the music, not hear it.  From the heart, not the mind.  Maybe it's just taking me long to figure that out.

I've also been feeling sluggish and like I don't really want to work lately.  Most likely, it's because of my weight, which is getting better, but I'm still overweight.  Maybe it really is finally starting to bring me down.  I should have known that you can't just live a carefree life without any consequences.  Heavy smoking and heavy, HEAVY drinking will always have consequences.  It's a possiblility that they're just now hitting me.  Perhaps it's time for a change.

I'm going to get better.  Because like I've said before, failure is not an option.  Failure = Death, in my case.  And I'm just not quite ready to die.  Yet.