Finally, my goal is within 24 hours. College starts tomorrow. Took it long enough to get here....I'm living proof of that. But, I'm currently going to apply for work and get myself in the correct mental state for classes.
However, I'm also terrified to go back. Back to that world of horrendous alcohol abuse, random casual sex, and drug use. Now, don't get me wrong, I love those things. I had to give them up to better myself, and it'll be a fight against temptation when I reenter that world. I know that I'll lose a few battles, but sometimes, you have to accept temporary defeat to win the war in the long run. I'm willing....I'm just also hoping that I'm able as well.
I shall update tomorrow, when I have both more time and more to share with no one.
~tM
Well, now apparently, it's official. I no longer know ANYONE on MindSay....which is perfect. This is what I've been hoping for. An escape from MySpace/Facebook, and a place that I can post my thoughts where it won't be under severe scrutiny from crazy relatives and people that I've met in my past. Not that it really matters, though. And don't get me wrong, I do like input, but some people just have nothing real to contribute. At all. Those are the people that I confine to places such as MySpace and Facebook. There, they can bitch and scream at me all they wish. This is my Fortress of Solitude. My Bat Cave, if you will. That's right, two straight comic book references. Deal.
So, I'm currently reading a book called Keep It Simple Sane, and I'm hoping that it will give me inspiration enough to quit the last addiction that I have left in this life; nicotine. The woman that wrote it (Barb Rogers) went through more in her life than I ever could have imagined going through in my most hellish nightmare. And now, she's okay. Just as I turned out to be okay there at the end. I still have much to work on, but quitting drugs was the single biggest landmark change that I've ever made in my life. And it's one of the few things that I express one of the seven deadly sins over; pride. So, I'm ripping through this book as quickly as I can between my two jobs, and placing hope that Barb Rogers' story can reinspire me to do what I have come to believe is impossible.
Ah, what else to discuss with myself and the fellow members of MindSay? Cliched topics like religion and politics? Ha, I will save them for another day when I encounter an issue with them that is more severe than the one that I currently have. Or rather, that they have with me.
Here recently, I've noticed that I've become more irritable with close family and friends. Personally, I believe that this is being caused by the fact that I am tired of working. I just cannot wait to get back into college. And I've completely lost interest in my job ever since college became possible once again. I suppose that it has a lot to do with seeing the people that I work with and the situations that they find themselves in. Most of them did not attend college, and really do not make enough money to do what they always wanted. My boss in particular is a bitter man, one who never attended college, not for financial reasons, but simply wanted to work. He swept parking lots and washed cars for years, then became a transmission mechanic. After doing this for 9 years, he came to work for this current company, doing duct work. He comes to work every day with a negative attitude, then immidiately goes to pick up his daughter from day care and stands outside, drinking beer. All night. Every night. By himself. He is the single biggest reason that I NEED to go back to college. I refuse to wind up like him. An alcoholic and miserable. I am going to go and make something of myself. I have my own dreams and theories, and I will make them real. Not just something that happens at night in my sleep. I will not fail.
Psychology and Criminology. Those are my dreams. Discover yours and accomplish them too. Better yourself and then, you can help others.
After years of misery, unclarity, doubt, and addiction, I've finally cleared my head long enough to know what I'm ready to devote my life to.
Really, I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do when I was 10. Psychology. Most think that psych is BS, and that it doesn't really mean anything, but they've never experienced the power of the mind. The one who created the saying that says "Mind over matter" wasn't joking, and truly understood. The brain has an astounding amount of control over the body, and we never utilize our full potential. Really, it's a shame. Who knows what secrets are contained within the genetics of the mind? Few have experienced them, and even fewer have shared those secrets.
I don't wish to sit in group therapy sessions with people whining about the little things going wrong in their lives, nor do I wish to mess with the ones' whose lives are shattered. Maybe that makes me a bastard, or an uncaring person. But I believe that I have something called the "Rubik's Cube Complex". A drive and a determination to solve the problem. To discover the secrets. Why some men and women are great and forever change the course of history, and why most fizzle out of existance, remembered only by their immidiate families, who eventually fizzle themselves? Genetically, we're mostly the same, and all should be able to reach full potential. Why don't we? How can we? These are the questions that I'm driven to answer, come hell or high water.
Also, I'd greatly enjoy studying the link between the arts (music, art, philosophy, religion) and the human psyche.
I will not become like so many others that I've known, wasting my life away on alcohol, women, drugs, etc. Don't get me wrong, those things are great, and fantastic. In moderation. Always in moderation. If they become used in too much excess, they will rule you, not the other way around, as it should be. I will not fizzle in the course of the universe. I will die, as will everyone else, but my aim is to not be forgotten so quickly. To remain, in the minds and hearts of thousands and millions of new human lives. I will do what I set out to do. Consider this my first day.
~tM
I have not blogged in quite some time. I'm feeling that that time is now. I still feel like a hunk of shit just floating through life, not really accomplishing anything very important. It's not a good feeling, as you non-existant readers can imagine. I really do feel sometimes that Jacob is right, and I am either quickly developing or already have a substance abuse issue. I am not sure how to cure this feeling anymore. But I know that in the end, I won't just give up and quit life. I'm not quite ready to just roll over and die.
Other than the negative feelings about life that I've been having lately, everything has been alright. I've been working quite a bit, trying to still save up money to go back to school. I don't know what my deal is as of late, but opinions would be quite welcome as to how I can cure this negative feelings. I don't like feeling this way, but lately, it's as if I'm trapped into this. I'll update tomorrow, I suppose. Until then . . .
~tM
So, I haven't posted a blog in about three months. A possible reason is that I'm working two full time jobs while I'm trying to get back into college. Truthfully, I've thought about not going back, but I know that I'll be totally miserable if I don't go back and get my certificates and my degrees. But, enough about that.
Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not good enough for everything. Like there's always going to be someone better than me at everything. Everything that's important, at least. Let's take my favorite job, for example. I run lights for a theater in my hometown. Don is much better than me at running them. He's had more experience. I can't even compare to Casey when it comes to sound. He blows even Don out of the water. When Casey and I hang out, he teaches me about sound, but I fear that I'm not getting good fast enough. It's taking me far too long. And I really don't know why. I thought that I would be good at something like this, but he's so ridiculously better. Sometimes, it hurts.
Instruments as well. Maybe that's just because I quit playing so long ago.....maybe I should start up again. Like today. I know that it will take a long time to get back to my former glory with the guitar and bass, but maybe it's worth it. I also want to learn the drums and keys, and to sing if that's ever going to be possible. Casey just says that I need more time to truely learn how to listen. You have to feel the music, not hear it. From the heart, not the mind. Maybe it's just taking me long to figure that out.
I've also been feeling sluggish and like I don't really want to work lately. Most likely, it's because of my weight, which is getting better, but I'm still overweight. Maybe it really is finally starting to bring me down. I should have known that you can't just live a carefree life without any consequences. Heavy smoking and heavy, HEAVY drinking will always have consequences. It's a possiblility that they're just now hitting me. Perhaps it's time for a change.
I'm going to get better. Because like I've said before, failure is not an option. Failure = Death, in my case. And I'm just not quite ready to die. Yet.
