Maybe as you get to know who I truly am.......judgement can be forstalled.

I have not blogged in quite some time.  I'm feeling that that time is now.  I still feel like a hunk of shit just floating through life, not really accomplishing anything very important.  It's not a good feeling, as you non-existant readers can imagine.  I really do feel sometimes that Jacob is right, and I am either quickly developing or already have a substance abuse issue.  I am not sure how to cure this feeling anymore.  But I know that in the end, I won't just give up and quit life.  I'm not quite ready to just roll over and die.

 

Other than the negative feelings about life that I've been having lately, everything has been alright.  I've been working quite a bit, trying to still save up money to go back to school.  I don't know what my deal is as of late, but opinions would be quite welcome as to how I can cure this negative feelings.  I don't like feeling this way, but lately, it's as if I'm trapped into this.  I'll update tomorrow, I suppose.  Until then . . .

 

~tM

So, I haven't posted a blog in about three months.  A possible reason is that I'm working two full time jobs while I'm trying to get back into college.  Truthfully, I've thought about not going back, but I know that I'll be totally miserable if I don't go back and get my certificates and my degrees.  But, enough about that.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not good enough for everything.  Like there's always going to be someone better than me at everything.  Everything that's important, at least.  Let's take my favorite job, for example.  I run lights for a theater in my hometown.  Don is much better than me at running them.  He's had more experience.  I can't even compare to Casey when it comes to sound.  He blows even Don out of the water.  When Casey and I hang out, he teaches me about sound, but I fear that I'm not getting good fast enough.  It's taking me far too long.  And I really don't know why.  I thought that I would be good at something like this, but he's so ridiculously better.  Sometimes, it hurts.

Instruments as well.  Maybe that's just because I quit playing so long ago.....maybe I should start up again.  Like today.  I know that it will take a long time to get back to my former glory with the guitar and bass, but maybe it's worth it.  I also want to learn the drums and keys, and to sing if that's ever going to be possible.  Casey just says that I need more time to truely learn how to listen.  You have to feel the music, not hear it.  From the heart, not the mind.  Maybe it's just taking me long to figure that out.

I've also been feeling sluggish and like I don't really want to work lately.  Most likely, it's because of my weight, which is getting better, but I'm still overweight.  Maybe it really is finally starting to bring me down.  I should have known that you can't just live a carefree life without any consequences.  Heavy smoking and heavy, HEAVY drinking will always have consequences.  It's a possiblility that they're just now hitting me.  Perhaps it's time for a change.

I'm going to get better.  Because like I've said before, failure is not an option.  Failure = Death, in my case.  And I'm just not quite ready to die.  Yet.

Well, for no particular reason whatsoever, the owner of the local distributor of Kirby has decided to fire everyone with the exception of one field manager and his office pet, which totally pissed me off.  And not only that, but he screwed me out of a lot of money.  I was one week away from earning $2,100, and I got paid $75.  $75.

Needless to say, I was fucking pissed.  I was the best new recruit that they had, and he let us all go.  Probably to avoid paying me that money.  What a son of a bitch, eh?  We had a bit of a showdown in his office, and it ended with him threatening me with the cops when I threatened him.  But honestly, it's in the past.  Now I'm turning towards the call centers, something like Convergy's, AT&T, Sprint, etc.  At least I personally know people that work there and they don't make too bad of a living.  Much better than the one that I have now, at least.  So I'm keeping my hopes alive, and trying to remotivate myself back towards success and one day, getting back into school.

In addition, I'm much less guilt ridden today than I've ever been in my entire life.  I finally told my dad about my past history with drugs and the real story of my former alcohol abuse.  It feels SO much better to have gotten it off of my chest, and maybe perhaps now, we can begin to build a much stronger relationship.  I know that I have not been ANYWHERE close to the best of children, but now, I'm ready to do it.  Dad only wants one thing from me, and that's success.  That comes with a lot of steps, mind you, but I'm finally, after two decades, ready to give it my best shot.

Ahhh, life is much, much better today than it was yesterday.  Maybe it will keep on getting better?  Cheers to that notion.

~TM

Right now, I'm trying to make a dent in the massive, MASSIVE pile of laundry in both my room and my closet.  This blows ass.  However, luckily, here in about an hour or so I get to go and help to set up a show and be just absolutely wasted before the sun is down.  Some look down upon it, but I need this.  Today was a terrible week.  I'll post another blog tonight telling the whole tale.  Until then......

~TM

I'm sore as I've EVER been in my entire life.  But really, what more did I expect from working out and going just as hard as an amateur body builder?  My entire body hurts, and never in my life have I consumed so many cigarettes in such a short period of time.

Really, they kind of take the edge off of the pain that I'm feeling right now.  However, this is what I wanted.  So I'll stop my bitching.

If I am not too sore tomorrow and if I get that Apprentice Electrician's job, then I think that I'll post some lyrics up.  Jacob told me today that Dave Mustaine must have dedicated the song Disconnect to me.  Read the lyrics when you get a chance, and if you know me in the least, which isn't many of you, let me know what you think.  Until then, adios and hasta manana.

~TM